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<Random> <Rambles>

"If You Give a Johnny Time..."

The Scoop
"If You Give a Johnny Time..."

By Jonathan MacAllister

Written on July 13, 2001

First Page

  "...besides Microsoft...and most women, publishers are the most commanding people in the world"









*Yes, the whole "scoop" thing is filler for probably links to other parts of the web site, etc...*

You figure that at 2 AM, I might just stop writing and continue later. I would then suggest you REREAD everything on the previous page--especially the joke in the beginning! Did not you read the moral of the story (which was so strategically placed in the middle of the story)? Money! Wait. No, actually I think the real reason was... hold on, in all honesty I have no idea where that "Money!" statement came from. Well, the reason is that the ball is rolling down the hill and I can't stop it. Okey doke? My mind is working, so be proud of me and let me write (you can feel free to stop and continue reading later, just make sure you read it. I think that's where the whole "Money!" thing came from...).

So anyway, last time, I left off taking the side of the author. Perhaps he isn't to blame. As we all know, besides Microsoft and probably most women, publishers are the most commanding people in the world.

Evil Publisher: "So, Mr. Author of the Mouse Story, we've published your book and after you pay us, you're still getting almost 1.2% of the profits. However, we exercised our rights to hire an agent for you. With his permission, we changed your contract and you now owe us a seventy-three books over the next two years. Oh, and you can't be traded to the Puffin Publishers. Don't speak now, you owe us books. Write you slave! Write! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Mr. Author: "Huh?"

Evil Publisher: "You also owe us $42,000 for taking up our time to hire you an agent. I suggest you pay it now before we hire you a lawyer."

Mr. Author: "I like mashed potatoes."

Evil Publisher: "Oh, then perhaps you'd like to come over for dinner. My mother makes awesome mashed potatoes. And we're a family company."

Sure publishers' mommas make great mashed potatoes, but what about the gravy? The gravy! Where's the quality gravy!?

On to the stunning conclusions...