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"If You Give a Johnny Time..."

The Scoop
"If You Give a Johnny Time..."

By Jonathan MacAllister

Written on July 13, 2001

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"as I've been thinking more and more, I realize that this book is outright horrible!" 







*Yes, the whole "scoop" thing is filler for probably links to other parts of the web site, etc...*

Anyway, I'm sure you can see where this leads to dilemmas. Poor Mr. Author of the Mouse Story, who obviously lacks any form of knowledge beyond potatoes, now must churn out book after book after book. 

It's times like these that a writer gets desperate. Some resort to being original. While others (the most intelligent ones) fall back on the idea of complaining about other writings. What did Mr. Author do? He tried to be creative and fell flat.

Updated Moral of the Story: Don't be creative or you'll fall flat.

Or: If you're fall flat, have a big helping of mashed potatoes in front of you to break your fall.

Well, I must admit that I actually enjoyed the book involving a mouse and cookies. But as I've been thinking more and more, I realize that this book is outright horrible!

When first reading the story, a person is wondering "What happens if I DO give a mouse a cookie?" After completing the story (which, according to the Johnny Theory of Mice and Cookies, will never occur), one realizes that there are benefits to giving a mouse a cookie. First, he will clean your house. And secondly, he will give you great pieces of original artwork. But little does one know about the bad things that will occur... the... *DOWNSIDE*

The downside seems so obvious, but every reader is bound to miss these points because that Mr. Author glorifies it! How? I don't know, but let me tell you the downside of giving mice cookies (the first two are in the book).

1. He will wear clothes and act all cute. This makes him not only sickening to guys, but it gives mice a good image. Are most mice good? Probably, but this one can draw and pick up brooms and cut his hair! Any mouse who can do that is either property of Walt Disney or must be evil (see "Brain" from "Pinky and the Brain").

2. He will become a moocher. Cookies. Then milk. He gives you pictures, then "suddenly gets thirsty"? Sounds sketchy to me. And what does he want to drink now? Milk? So he can get ANOTHER cookie?

3. Oh I don't know. All this talk about cookies has made me hungry. Wait! There's another downside! The mouse, with his cookies, will make the general reader hungry. More hunger means more eating. More eating means more money spent. More money spent on food means less spent on books.

And ah ha! Less on books not only means doom for the world, but it means that Mr. Author won't be able to make anymore money on his uninspired sequels.

And thus we are brought full circle to the original moral: Study business, not writing.

So what shall I do for a sequel? Who knows. Strange things can happen when you give Johnny time to think. Makes you wonder what would happen if you gave him a cookie...

Written by Jonathan MacAllister
The 13th Day of July, 2001